I’ve been gone for awhile. I’ve missed blogging, but I’ve had to direct my mental energy elsewhere. I started treatment for an eating disorder a month and a half ago, and I’ve been fighting like hell ever since.
It didn’t help that they took running away. It is hard to maintain a running focused blog, when you aren’t even allowed to go for a walk. I understand why they took exercise away from me, but that didn’t make it any easier. I’ve progressed far enough to be granted a movement plan, but still no running.
However, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Recovery is long and hard and a process. No matter how far the behind you the eating disorder behavior might be, you still have to wake up and choose to stay in recovery every day. I know that I will run again. That has been my major motivator. If I don’t eat, I can’t run. If I don’t show up to treatment and work through my emotions and fears, I can’t have a healthy relationship with exercise. If I don’t do the work, I don’t get to work out.
I promise I will return both to running and blogging. It will have to be a slow journey. Slowly building up the muscles and strength to run and write again. I look forward to the work. I’m sure it will be hard at first, especially when I realize how much endurance, strength, and stamina I’ve lost. It is worth it though. I am gaining my life back through treatment and by choosing recovery. I will get back to a place where running is joyful instead of punishment, freeing instead of binding.
Recovery has opened doors to a new world, and I can’t wait to run through them.